Mitch Hedberg;

Got these from: here. Although I fixed a bit of the spelling. Shame, shame.
Never heard of this guy before I Stumbled on this page... have you guys heard of StumbleUpon? Well, it's awesome. Check it out. Seriously.


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 222-2222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I had a bag of fritos, they were Texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military. I'm extra at ease.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I had a velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. "Hey, what does that do?" "It keeps shit fresh." "Well that's a fresher....I'm going on break."

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go cart with my ex-landlord.

Man. I went to the doctor the other day. All this guy did was suck blood out of my neck. Never go to see Dr. Acula.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I was in Ireland and got to drink Absinthe. Absinthe is a liquor that they outlawed because it's supposed to make you trip hallucinogenically. So, I got excited because I like to hallucinate. So, I started drinking lots of shots of it. But, really, it's just a liquor. So, I was just getting fucked up... I wasn't even remotely tripping. But, after 10 shots, I fell to the ground and tried to force the trip. "WHY IS THE FLOOR AS LOW AS I CAN GO!?" But, I was just faking it, ya know? It wasn't a from the heart trip. "Why is lemonade not aiding?"

Daria;

Daria: Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth.

Daria: Welcome to "It's a Nutty Nutty Nutty World." We're just nuts about nuts.

Daria: Because no high school education is complete until you've chased your fellow students around the woods with toy guns?

Mr. O'Neill: You probably think about the dark side all the time.
Daria: The... dark side? Are we talking about The Force?

Daria: I'm not talking about aliens. But there's something out there. Something stupid.

Jane: I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.

Daria: We are now entering Hell. Please keep your hands and elbows inside the car.

Daria: Yeah. I won't be sorry to see this day end.
Jane: You say that every day.

Kevin: Darwin's the monkey guy, right? I like monkeys.
Mr. DeMartino: A statement no doubt once also made by your mother.
Kevin: No. She's more into kitties.
Brittany: I love kitties.
Mr. DeMartino: That's terrific, Brittany, and really adds an extra dimension to today's lesson.

Woman on TV: I didn't mean to hurt him.
Daria: The knife just slipped. Sixty-seven times.

Daria: I hope the raging envy you're feeling won't affect our friendship.
Jane: I do envy you.
Daria: Then I'm afraid the fever has reached your brain and you'll have to be destroyed.

Lawndale Mascot: My head's too big.
Daria: That's 'cause it's so full of dreams.

Stacy: If people in really poor countries can't get food, does that mean they can't get diet soda either?
Tiffany: Then how do they stay so thin?

Daria: A-ha. So my evil plan is working.

Helen: We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just don't get it. What's wrong with you?

Helen: Daria, you can't spend the rest of your life in there.
Daria: I can once they put in my high-speed internet connection.

Jake: Big, fat, smug, damn stupid crappy piece of crappy crap.

Daria: Hello? No Quinn is busy right now studying... stu-dy-ing... no this isn't a prank call, you called me.

Daria: I almost killed a dog yesterday.
Jane: Going to work your way up to humans slowly?

Daria: Well, thank you Brittany. You're right. We are just human or whatever.

Driving Lessons;

I just finished watching this movie on Encore, and I found it hilarious. Well, not all the time, but it was still a good movie. I missed the first seven or so minutes, but I didn't miss much, I think.... Something that personally bugged me, but was incredibly important to the plot, was that... a ton of things went back to God. Like Ben's father is a priest, his mother is working on a church play... those didn't bug me, but it gives you a bit of an idea...

It stars Rupert Grint (Ben) and Julie Walters (Ms. Evie Walton) (Ron and Mrs. Weasley, for you Harry Potter fans)
PG-13

[My personal favorite]
Sarah (Ben's crush): You're very angry, aren't you? Don't be. You're still God's gift. Every day God gives us is a gift. That's why we call it the present.
Ben: Fuck off, Sarah.

Evie Walton: Explain please the meaning of "He is not in his room!"

Laura Marshall (Ben's mother): Where the hell have you been? It's six o' clock.
Ben: I got held up.
Laura: Got held up? We had a driving lesson at four. You should've let me know.
Ben: There was nowhere to call from, if I had a mobile--
Laura: Mobiles give you cancer!

Laura: You may have noticed that Mr. Fincham has started dressing in my clothes. We must assume that this is part of his recovery.

Evie: To wit, I leave you with this quote penned by my dear friend, William Shakespeare: "When the shit hits the fan... get a tent."

Evie: I will not be bullied, even by an emotional cripple!
[She said this to Ben, which made it even more hilarious]

Laura: The doctor said the only reason I survived is because I drive an economy car. God truly is a friend to the thrifty.

Evie: Don't feel guilty. Guilt is a wicked ghost.

Evie: Don't hurry your heart. That was my mistake.

Last edited on Nov. 30, 2008 at 8:59 pm.

Wall·e;

THE cutest Pixar movie, and possibly the cutest movie of all time.

And you know what? There really aren't any quotes that stand out. This movie is hardly about quotes, and more visual stuff. Such as the cockroach, or the holding hands struggle that Wall·e faces throughout the movie... which can somewhat be summed up with The Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand."


Ship's computer: Time for lunch... in a cup!

Captain: This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all sorts of things! Vegetable plants, pizza plants... it's good to be home!

Teacher Robot: A is for Axiom, your home sweet home. B is for Buy N Large, your very best friend.

Mary: I didn't know we had a pool!

Mary: John, get ready to have some kids!

Ship's Computer: Voice confirmation required.
Captain: Uhhh...
Ship's Computer: Voice confirmation accepted.

Father Ted;

Ah, Father Ted. A hilarious show with Irish accents and poking fun at religion.


Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

Father Ted: Come on, Dougal, switch the television off. Chewing gum for the eyes!
Father Dougal: No thanks, Ted!

Father Ted: Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests... more drink!

Father Dougal: I don't believe in organized religion.

Bishop Brennan: What would the following words suggest to you: "Jack", "sleepwalking" and "bollock naked"?

Father Dougal: It's like a big tide of jam coming toward us, but jam made out of old women.

Father Ted: There he is so. Risen from the dead. Like that fella... ET.

Mrs Doyle: Are you sure, Father? There's cocaine in it!
Father Ted: WHAT?
Mrs Doyle: Oh, no, not cocaine. God, what am I on about. No, what d'you call them. Raisins.

Father Ted: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's very vague and no-one knows what it's really all about.

Father Dougal: Next you’re going to tell us you’re Santa.
Father Ted: No Dougal. I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Dougal: The anti-Santa?

Father Ted: It's not as if everyone's going to go off and join some mad religious cult just because we go off for a picnic for a couple of hours.
Father Dougal: God, Ted, I heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying our Lord's gonna come back and judge us all!
Father Ted: No... No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.

Mr. Fox: We could certainly trust you, father. You are, after all, a man of God.
Father Dougal: A what?

Dougal: And instead of a mouth, it has four arses!

Father Jack: Feck off, cup!


Once again, more to come... eventually.

Last edited on September 15, 2009 at 5:58 am.

Chowder;

One of the most adorable cartoons you will ever see.


Chowder: I'm not your boyfriend!
[Repeated line. To Panini]

Mung Daal: We gota get rid of this gum before Truffles sees it.
Schnitzel: Radda radda radda radda?
Mung Daal: No, we can't chuck him in the furnace.

Bank Lady: Welcome! Would you care for a free lollipop?
Chowder: Would I?
Bank Lady: Would you?
Chowder: Would I?
Bank Lady: Would you?
Chowder: Would I?
Bank Lady: Would you?
Chowder: Would I what?
Bank Lady: Care for a free lollipop?
Chowder: Would I?
Bank Lady: Would you?
Chowder: Would I?
Schnitzel: Rada rada!
Chowder: Yes, I would. Thank you.

Sadly, this is all I have at the moment, but I SHALL have more.... eventually.

Last edited on Sept. 27, 2008 at 11:58 pm

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie;

How can you not love MST3000? I mean REALLY?!

So these 2 robots and a human make fun of a movie while it's playing.
The movie they hilarify (totally my word) is called This Island Earth.
(Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, Mike, Dr. Forrester are MST characters. Everyone else is from This Island Earth. To help, I shall bold MST names.)

These quotes are a ton funnier if you've already seen the movie or while you're actually watching the movie.


Crow T. Robot: Into the weenie mobile, weenie man away!

Mike: Joe, I'm in one of these boxes, find me!

Crow: Hey! Who sneezed on the credits?
[The credits had an outer space background]

Tom Servo: Okay, let's see here... Shatner, Shatner... no, doesn't look like he's in this one; we're safe.
[He was looking at the opening credits]

Crow: Man, the universe is really cruisin'.
Tom Servo: Hey, look, there's Taurus the bull.
Mike: And right underneath him the constellation feces.
Crow: Hey, look, Orion's broke.

Crow: Hey, Mike, you think you can toss me my calculations? Thanks! Ah, here it is. "Breach Hull - All Die." Even had it underlined.

Joe: You know what my kids would say?
Crow: YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FATHER?

Crow: Wow this must be what its like inside a bong! Whehue!
[The characters had to go into this converter tube that filled up with smoke on the spaceship to make their bodies adjust to the next planet's gravity... or something]

Tom Servo: It's the amazing technicolor cheese wedge!

Tom Servo: Ah, they're going 65, so they'll be there in 3 BILLION years...

Exeter: Now place your hands above the rail [hands suddenly attach to the rail] ...they're magnetized.
Crow: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
[One of my favs]

Crow: Looks like Dr. Seuss designed their planet!
Tom Servo: Oh, they're flying into a Roger Dean album cover.
Crow: They're very into "Yes" on this planet.

Cal Meecham: Relocation? To where?
The Monitor: To your Earth.
Exeter: A PEACEFUL relocation...
Crow: After the genocide, of course.

Crow: Oh, my god! My waffle! Oh the humanity!

Crow: You killed the Hubble!

Mike: Doesn't the fact that it's universal make it international?

Plane Voice: Good morning, Dr. Meecham.
Tom Servo: Good morning, Voice.
Plane Voice: Hope you slept well.
Mike: 'Cause it's time to die.

Crow: Nuts! It's Ted Kennedy in a Barney suit!

Exeter: I won't ask you to condone what we've done...
All: We condone it.

All: Normal view. Normal view! NORMAL VIEW! NORMAL VIIEEEEW!
[This really only makes sense if you've seen it...]

Exeter: Into the converter tubes. Ruth, you take the first tube. Cal, you take the second.
Cal Meecham: What about you?
Exeter: I'll take the third tube.
Tom: Oh, right. Stupid question.

Cal Meecham: I may just be the dumbest man who ever lived.
Mike: No argument here.


Once again, actually WATCH the movie to fully enjoy these quotes.

Last edited on Nov. 30, 2008 at 7:05 pm.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind;

My absolute favorite movie of all time. And proof that not all quotes on this blog are funny and whatnot.


Joel: If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know.

Joel: Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

Mary: Adults are, like, this mess of sadness and phobias.

Joel: My God, there's people coming out of your butt.

Clementine: Am I ugly? When I was a kid, I thought I was. I can't believe I'm crying already. Sometimes I think people don't understand how lonely it is to be a kid, like you don't matter. So, I'm eight, and I have these toys, these dolls. My favorite is this ugly girl doll who I call Clementine, and I keep yelling at her, "You can't be ugly! Be pretty!" It's weird, like if I can transform her, I would magically change, too.

Joel: Please let me keep this memory, just this one.

Joel: Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating.

Joel: Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks.

Joel: Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?

Clementine: I apply my personality in a paste.


There's a ton more quotes I want to put on this, but I'll do it later... And I can't find one of my favs on IMDb, and we (sadly) don't own the movie....


Last edited on Sept. 27, 2008 at 10:12 pm.

Duets;

Things said by multiple people... not anonymous.

"Kevin, can your ego even fit in this room?" "That's why the door has to be open."
~Tayla & Me

"Good morning. Good afternoon." "Merry Christmas!"
~Mr. Gregerson & Alex

"I see London, I see France, I see Elf Kid--" "In his underpants."
~Michelle & Me

"You're loud." "Your face is loud!"
~Randy & Caitlin

"Did Kevin just say something dirty?" "And ran into a desk at the same time." "He can multitask."
~Nicole, Cara, & Jacob

"I didn't even see you coming!" "That's what she said."
~Steph & Caitlin

"Shane is a myth." "You're a myth!" "I... am legend."
~Bryan & Caylem (aka Woody)

"Your head is too big." "That's what she said!"
~Tiff & Michelle (I think...)

"Your head IS big." "That what she said."
~Me & Michelle

"My hair's over it." "That's what she said."
~Caitlin & Michelle

"We keep losing our hoes." "Just follow the screams..."
~Caitlin & Me (I think...)

"Don't touch it!" "I'll touch it all I want!"
~(I dunno) & Michelle

Last edited on October 24, 2009 at 6:49 am.

Teachers;

Said by my teachers... on a couple occasions, it's something someone told me a teacher said...

"Don't say fuck."
"Let's take a look at the pleasure wheel. They don't call it that anymore... Let's get back to the pleasure wheel."
"I'm not staring at that thing, I might get cancer."
"Good luck in court."
"Oh wow, you're rich. Or you used to be, now you're not."
"Go there and say 'New-found-land' and see what looks you get. 'I just found out this place was here'."
"Line up alphabetically by height."
"I hope you're texting under that desk and not just staring at your crotch."
"No fucking in class."

Last edited on May 9, 2009 at 5:45 pm.

Colleagues;

Other people I know, but don't really consider a close friend...

"There's an error in my syntax."
"It's a birthmark."
"What's the name of our universe?"
"Normandy's in Norway."
"Tonight is a night for men!"
"Fear is not a factor for me!"
"I wrote: 'Bruce Springsteen is lame.'"
"'You look exactly like your father when we started dating.... That brings back memories,' Eeeww, that's sick. They really need psychotherapy."
"That was when I took her boobies."
"I like it when they're wet."
"No, wait. It was your mom."

Last edited on September 15, 2008 at 6:21 pm.

Friends;

Quotes made by friends. They'll be kept anonymous. Partially because they've been repeated by other friends over time...
Keep in mind some of these are inside jokes.

Pretty sure all the penis related stuff is about a friend's penis-shaped cake pan or the actual finished cake.

"I shaved my wristband yesterday."
"Elf Kid has yellow balls!"
"Anata no kao (Your face)"
"Touch her like you've never... touched..."
"I think I sprained my toe."
"Your face is loud!"
"I hate all bands except the ones I hate; I love them."
"It was that thing shamming slut."
"Hurry. Eat it. Die."
"Love at first high-five."
"Obsession, thy name is Tiffany!"
"I watch my eyelids a lot."
"You're so funny!"
"I broke a nail! Oh my God..."
"Did you just say 'franken-sex'?"
"You look like a hoe!"
"My hand got fucked good and plenty."
"Get your fuck away from me."
"Radda your grandmother."
"Let me smell you."
"I notice the asses."
"Surprise! And then you put stuff in the hole."
"Don't call me when I'm on the telephone. Wait..."
"I like pickles. Do you like pickles?"
"Sell yourself!"
"Boobies are detachable?"
"Your boobies are wearing off."
"She already started out her foot on the wrong day!"
"You got kaka in your weewee."
"My heart is waving!"
"I almost sat on my penis!"
"Every time I saw him, he was shaved."
"The seat was eating my thing."
"I should've gotten her Jesus."
"I was fucking outside! Well, not fucking..."
"Shove that bitch in."
"I like corn. It's yellow and fruity."
"I put my hole over Megan's head. Haha, that's what she said."
"This conversation is so getting saved."
"No, wait.... It was your mom."
"I'm gonna make milk."
"I saw you coming and I had to touch myself."
"Why were you watching?"
"It spreads cooties like butter."
"Her brother broke her penis."
"So that's what they're calling it these days."
"Do you need help up? Sorry, my doctor advised against heavy lifting."
"The Ging and a Mexican. Sounds like a romance."
"I'm good in both places."
"It just shattered inside me."
"Whoa. I think my penis just farted."

"Schtuuufffff"

[imitating Lumpy Space Princess] "Oh my god, I'm having a fun time"

[imitating dehydrated Spongebob] "I don't need it"

Last edited March 9, 2011 at 4:49 am.

My Quotes;

Things I've said...

"Your face didn't come out right!"
"I do that a lot sometimes"
"I was just writing you draw"
"He looks like a girl except for his chaw and jin."
"Your face looks like an amphibian."
"I thought you said you were putting butt on a bagel."
"Fly, leaf!"
"It's a hero about shows..."
"That really socks." (in response to my friend telling me her dog ate her socks)
"kokoro wo agemasu. (I give my heart to you... basically)"
"You mean a you (pronounce yo-ooo...) sunwich?" (instead of sandwich... okay, you kinda had to be there for this)
"I'll be looking for a fork shaped spoon..."
"Fuck it in a bucket."
"It hurts when I bend over..."

Last edited on October 24, 2009 at 6:39 am.

Prelude;

A blog that filters out the good quotes from the millions around the world.

From movies, shows, people, maybe even books and songs.
And something other blogs like this do not have: quotes from friends and people I have to live with.


Just to put this out there, I will/have gathered many of the movies and TV show quotes from IMDB, if it's not from what I heard with my own ears and immediately written down.

Each "entry" is subject to change over time. In fact I HOPE it does change.
Feel free to give feedback on entries... well, constructive criticism is most preferable. If I missed one that you feel should be showcased, go ahead and tell me about it.


Currently, the blog title and address is temporary... until I find something that just reeks in awesomeness.