Craig Ferguson;

I love this guy. Host of "The Late Late Show," after David Letterman. It's the only late show I watch for the HOST, not for the guests.


"I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I’m saying..."

"Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name."

"My Olympics boycotting is going well. I only watched three hours last night... and the night before. Damn you, Michael Phelps."

"I know!"

"Shut up."

"I feel such a fool."

"Santa's probably back at the North Pole by now, trying to protect his reindeer from Sarah Palin."

"Speaking of elves, do you know who has a new movie out today? Tom Cruise."

"I went to a drag race, once. But it was really disappointing. I was the only one in a dress."

"'Plus, I don't hurt the eyes.' What does that mean? I'm gonna hurt you, but I won't touch your eyes?"

"Up here in space, everyone is weightless. But don't tell Oprah, she'll be up here all the time."

"McCainiacs!"

"Full frontal dog nudity."

"The French used to use real fish, but they stopped because of the smell. Apparently the fish were complaining."

"Oh, hey. Friday o'clock. Who knew?"

"Scientists have just discovered-- this is true, this is true-- all octopuses are poisonous. There goes the chance of any man having sex with the Octomom."

"I was shaking it. Shaking it like a Polaroid picture."

"Hang on. *edits email* This is from SABRINA in Salem, Massachusetts. *fake excitement* OH! Sabrina the teenage witch! Hahaha!"

"'Cheese Nut Log?' You can't say 'cheese nut log' on CBS. What the hell is wrong with you?" (Mark Ruffalo: "Is it referring to genitalia, you think?") "It is now."

*is drinking out of a snake mug* "There is only one queen on this show. And she's drinking from a snake mug."

"How about that? I've just been elected the new president of Iran."

"Millions of Iranians think his "come from behind" victory was--wait. Shut up! Shut up. Shut up."

"They've got dancers, magicians, guys who juggle balls... Oh come on! You guys are horrible!"

"Pardon my Norwegien"

"...Not about a gay vegetarian vampire. There's something wrong with that crap."

"And today, of all days, is his birthday.... Who? The guy we've been talking about for the past 10 minutes!"

(talking about fishing) "...You know, getting the worm on the hook. And I kept practicing and practicing, and I worked hard on it... and eventually I became a master baiter."

"Are you a farty man?"

"I'm like Martha Stewart for stoners."

"She was in a filmed called "I Love You, Man" I think I've seen that movie. No, It was a different version."

"Oscar Meyer passed away today at the age of 95.... I didn't know the man, but I loved his wiener."

"317 people set the Guiness world record for skinny dipping. 317 people. These people are crazy. You wouldn't catch me with all those nuts.... Or would you?"

"The two journalists returned with Clinton on his jet. They told reporters that they endured around-the-clock surveliance and repeated strip-searches. And the prison is Korea was even worse!"

"They go out and they try to catch crabs."

(Put hand up close to the camera) "That's what it would be like if we could show the puppets naked."

"I have traveled all over this world, but I have never seen anything that awesome."

"Here's the things I'll miss about you. I'll miss the way you used to sit there patiently every night wearing no pants."

"Sorry if I'm turning you on."

"Meow, cheeky monkeys!"

"You want to take away my white speedo? You'll have to pry it from my cold dead wiener."

"Justin Timberlake and gay guys, very different of course....... actually..."

"By the way, Poofy Trousers is the name of the best selling rap artist in Britain. 'My name is Poofy Trousers, how do you do?'"

"Whoo! Elves!"

"You homophobic basalt!"

"In the old days, they used to shave your head and you had to wear an "L" on your sweater."[Talking about lice]

"Vampires are behind the times. They still Myspace, they use newspapers and their plasma screens made with real plasma."

"Wiscondon. Is that a state? Yes. It binds the beauty of wisconsin with the narcotic effects of vicodin. And so what you have is a beauty state where you can get delicious cheese and uh... solve your back pain."

"Scientists discovered the gene responsible for cocaine addiction. It's called Gene Simmons."


Last edited on October 24, 2009 at 6:52 am.

Chuck Norris Jokes

For the record I LOVE Chuck Norris jokes. Not because I worship him, but because I wonder how people even come up with some of them. They're hilarious!
And these are jokes I find all over the place, and I have no idea who came up with them.


Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack cause even his heart isn't dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris's dog picks up it's own crap, because Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from anybody.

The name Chuck Norris translates to perfection in twenty different languages.

If someone asks Chuck Norris what his favorite song is, he roundhouse kicks them in the face until they beg for mercy. He then tells them that's music to his ears.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris paints his walls by throwing children at them.

Chuck formed the La Brea tar pits after a weekend of bad chili and dark beer.

Contrary to popular belief the continents did not drift apart over millions of years but in a single day when Chuck Norris was walking across Pangaea and mentioned that he wanted to swim, right here, and right now.

Chuck Norris' mom was a virgin when she had him. Apparently, his testosterone levels are so high, he was able to impregnate her before he was even conceived.

When Chuck Norris stubs his toe, the Earth shakes.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Last edited on September 15, 2009 at 5:55 am.